Comedy'n'Crime

BOOOOO! Pieces of food were flung everywhere; I was booed, told to leave the stage. Ashamed of my own job, liquids were spilled all over me, drenching my suit. A comedian failed. What's worse is that I didn’t get paid enough; my hope of being successful died down in my heart. Once I got home, I sank into my chair, my heart sinking, my eyes so weary. Too tired to move or do anything, I felt unanimated; my jokes were just useless wastes of time. I’m failing—failing myself, failing my mom, failing my dad, failing my dreams. Rage built up in me. Why couldn’t I just get a good job? Why can’t they stop booing me off? Annoyance was purging me, my brain erupting with angry thoughts. I went to an alley to smoke a cigar. I kicked a rock hard, so hard that it flew like one of my ugly jokes. A dark figure approached me, wearing a light brown jacket, a white vest, and a black bowtie. Light brown pants with brown leather shoes. His face was covered with a mask and a fedora hat, which was also light brown. “Hey, I heard you’re looking for a job,” the shadowed man said. I skeptically looked at this freak: “Who does he think he is? Why is he asking me that? How does he know that?” I thought of punching him but resisted. Maybe I could get a better job by talking with him. I replied, “Yeah,” with a long, hesitant voice. A bit nervous, my mind was circulating about what was going to happen next. “Well, you're just the man I need,” he said. He’s gonna hire me? That just made my day a whole lot brighter. “You're lucky; tell ya what, I got a bounty willing to pay £100,000.” That amount of money almost made me salivate; so much money made my eyes go dolla$ dolla$. He handed me a picture of a snow globe; it had jewels glittering on the sides, with fancy golden swirls that decorated the four elegant corners of the pedestal of the snow globe. Inside stood a village with tiny, perfectly carved people all in winter clothes. At the bottom was the address of a museum. “You know what to do, meet me here tomorrow once you have it,” the man murmured before returning to the dark alley. “Wait, does he want me to steal it?” I thought. “What if I got arrested?” It was going to be tomorrow, so I went home and slept on the couch. My eyes were failing to open and my body was sore. I lurched to a 7-11 store to buy painkillers with yesterday's money. I felt better, so I walked to my car and drove to the museum without doing anything else. I waited until it was open. I entered the public museum, and I saw the snow globe. Down the majestic hallway, there was a red carpet with gold fabric engraved on the sides. The museum was dark; pale lights shone on the mystical artifacts, golden machines, clocks, and magical gears put in different tiny domes of glass. I went up to the glass dome containing the snow globe. My face reflected on the glass, the lights shining on me. There was an obsidian lock on the dome; it was polished smoothly and magnificently. I checked for cameras by looking around in the dark corners and crannies—none. I brought up my paperclip and started lock picking. I did it as quietly as I could, hoping no guards saw what I was doing. Suddenly, a hand tapped me on the shoulder. “Hey, what are you doing?” a gruff voice questioned. I whirled around and replied, “You know what they say, it’s obsidian to live.” I chuckled, anxiety and dread running through my bloodstream. “Horrible joke,” he muttered and turned around to leave. I sighed with relief; my panic had faded, and I continued to pick the lock. I finished, and with a quiet click, it was open. I needed a distraction in order to lure the guards away. I looked around the room again and saw the electricity power box. I slowly walked to the exhibit next to it. I made it look like I was admiring the exhibit, but actually, I was opening the power box door. I lockpicked it as well; however, my lock picks broke. I slowly unlatched the cover and stabbed my broken lock pick inside it. ZZZTTT!! In that instant, the dark consumed the room. People were screaming and crashing into other exhibits. CRASH! Glass splinters flew everywhere. Some people cried out in pain. I ran to the globe exhibit and opened the door with a loud CREAK. But it didn’t matter anyway. By the time I was out, the guards had restored order. Such perfect timing, I sighed. I walked out with relief flooding through me and walked to that same alley. The man, as expected, was waiting ominously in the alley. I held out the snow globe and he snatched it from my hand. “Here is your pay,” he mumbled and gave me 10 stacks of thick bills. The smell of money filled the air as I flicked through all the money; the sound satisfied my ears; the combination of colors from the dollars reached my eyes. I went home and thought about buying whatever I wanted. As I unlocked the door of my home, I wondered if I would ever see that man again. The next day I checked my mail to see if there was anything interesting worth my attention. I saw an invitation with a red stamp and all. It was neatly sealed with elegant cursive ink all over the cover. I rushed back inside my house to see what was inside. I opened the letter, and inside was a piece of paper; it read:

Dear Alfred Hemington (Address: Country: England, Suburb: Aldrington, Road: Westbourne St, 49),

We are glad to let you know that we have accepted you as one of our elite agents. The man who gave you the job was our recruiter, Jeffery Highman. If you want to join, you'll meet him at 4:00 pm on April 19. I assume that when this letter arrives at your attention, you will have at least a week of preparation to pack. Please meet Jeffery in that same alley where you met him before.

By being recruited, you must follow these rules:

1. You accept this job and will not cheat.

2. Respect your hierarchy.  

3. You must accept any task the hierarchy gives you.

4. You will handle any of our equipment sensibly.

5. Never turn on us.

6. If the hierarchy asks you to share private information, you’ll accept.

7. If you are required to do any fatal action at all, you must accept.

8. Don’t share any information with others, even if threatened.

9. You’ll respect and treat your dorm nicely.

These are the conditions you are required to comply with. Furthermore, if you don’t, it will lead to execution. We wish for you to join our organization. 

Sincerely,  

Simon Evans (the Founder of this organization)  

(Organization's address, Suburb: Yorkshire, Street: Lerecroft Road; go to the alley between 23 and 24, keep going till the end where you’ll see a door. Knock on it four times; the secret password is beecross22.)  

My heart was pounding; I was shocked and curious, wondering how they acquired access to all this private information, such as my name and where I lived. I checked the date; it was April 10th, and I had nine days to make a decision. These are some high standards! I’m happy that I was chosen to be an elite agent. My mind was swirling around that for the next seven days until I decided that I would join this group of people. I packed clothes and everything I wanted to bring. I was excited and nervous to join this organization. Anxiety again built up in me, and all of my possible worries bustled in my mind. On the last day, I said goodbye to my house, my plant, and my car; and pretty much everything. The next day, I woke up to my alarm; it was around 10:00 am, I thought. The bright morning sun shimmered through the curtain that attempted to block the sun. I decided that I needed to get up in order to get my new job. I attempted to move but couldn't; I was paralyzed. I was awake but wasn’t able to move, as if my body had turned to stone and only my head was left. “Perhaps I could sleep just for a few more hours,” and I closed my eyes and drifted into a deep sleep. I awoke and tested if I could move; my limbs cooperated and I reached for my clock. It was already 3:00 pm. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!” I thought. I cursed and swore at myself. I instantly got up, changed into the smartest suit I could wear, and went off to buy a few snacks. I rushed to the nearest convenience store and piled everything I wanted into the bag. Various questions ran through my mind: “Is their boss nice? What if you're late?” More and more questions flowed through my mind, stressing me even more. I paced to the cashier and emptied my bag. It took the cashier so long to scan all of them; anxiety literally leaked out of me. I asked for a bag and left. I sprinted to the nearest cab I saw; I showed them the address and we zoomed off. I was disturbed by each minute that passed by. When we finally got there, I handed him a hundred-dollar bill and bolted out of the car. I saw neon signs and brick buildings. Chatter and laughter inhabited the area. Retro cars covered the view of the building. I walked into a gap between the buildings; darkness consumed me. However, I saw a dim light at the end—a metal door with only the slightest glow escaping through to light my way. I approached the metal door; scratches and rust were spilled all over it. I knocked lightly on the door. I heard footsteps approaching. “What's the password?” a voice said. “Beecross22,” I replied. CREAK, the door opened. I entered a completely white room. Five other people were in the room. A speaker boomed, “Hello, I’m Simon Evans. Today you’ll be competing to get into this organization. Please put your simulation headsets on now to start the contest.” I was too busy listening to see what the other contestants looked like. I walked towards the headset in front of me. I slowly held it and put it on. I waited for a moment, then the contest started. Bright lights shone from the VR, recreating me into this AI world. I was then transferred to a dark parallel universe where there was a selection of melee weapons. I chose a double dagger, and surprisingly, I didn’t need those VR hand things to click; it was almost as if it was real. I clicked ready and waited for a while as others were selecting their weapons, and the competition started. I ran to the sides, scared, but I remembered this is a VR game, so I jumped back into battle. A guy tried negotiating peace but was eliminated by another guy who was holding a mace. A person with a spear came running at me; I barely dodged the attack and stabbed him right through the back of the brain. He pixelated into a million pixels. Suddenly, I heard the clattering of metal. The person with a mace struck a young man in the corner; I saw him plead for mercy. But he was eliminated. The kanabō he wielded faded with him. A sword grazed my chest as my eyes looked for my attacker. He was coming for another strike, but I threw my dagger at him, grabbed his sword, and stabbed him with my other dagger. SHHH, he fades. I start to wonder if this is only a game or not. Then the man with the mace came straight at me. I rolled just before his mace hit the pixelated wall. CSHH! A blunt sound came from the wall, pixels falling to the ground; however, his mace was stuck in the wall. I took this opportunity to stab him in the back, and he bellowed in defeat, sinking into the ground, fortifying my victory. I celebrated. But everything changed once I took my headset off… I am petrified, traumatized, and horrified. The others were turned to stone in their death positions. I stand breathing alive while others have faced an opposite fate. The speaker said, “Please advance to the door in front of you.” I walked to the door and opened it. Behind the door was a corridor and a red carpet with interwoven gold fabrics on the side. Each step filled me with more regret—stone statues on each side of this quartz room, each perfectly shaped as a human. In fact, these were humans—past people who came here only to face a stony end. I chuckled at my corny jokes, regret still weighing me down. There at the end of the corridor lay my fellow contestants, three of whom tried to turn me to stone. I was almost at the end of the dreadful hall, not at all pleased to go back. I was greeted with a grey metal hallway. It was lit by cold white lights. A suspicious aura wavered over the room, making the hairs on my skin fly up. However, my mind was on a child. I did not know him or see him in my entire life. Something told me that his name was Bradley. And then my mind switched to the words Simon Evans. SHHHHHHH, the metal door on the other side opened, a humanoid robot clunked out. Looking so much like a human without color. It had a blaster in hand. My eyes widened, my ears twitched, fear swallowed me. What if I was its next victim? It looked at me, “Alfred Hemington, Elite Agent 67, please proceed to your room.” Its pale robotic voice echoed through my ears. Its head opened up, and a metal table came out. On the tiny table was a keycard, “Please take your ID card and proceed to room 527.” I stammered as I took the card off the table. It folded the tiny table back into its neck and closed its head. I left and followed black arrows on the wall until I found room 527. I put my card on the sensor. BEEP. I opened the door and looked around at my dorm. It was a white room; the walls were white, the bed was white, and every piece of furniture was white. Everything except for the schedule, which was white and black. This room gave off a rather distrustful reputation. DING. A piece of the wall lowered to reveal a conveyor belt. A meal on a tray came out, and it looked like it was for me. I ate the scrumptious meal ever so delicately with the provided chopsticks. The clam chowder ramen couldn't have tasted any better. The meat was so tender, the soup was undeniably delicious. Even the piece of seaweed tasted good. DING DONG DING. “Please head towards the training grounds for practice.” I walked out of my dorm and towards the so-called “Training ground.” When I arrived at the training grounds, I was shocked by how big it was. It was massive, more massive than a mansion. It was probably the size of 8 giant gyms. A robot was at the front assigning the people where they would go. I went to the dagger area. In the room were walls with all different types of knives, hilts of different colors, and angles. Our instructor, who looked pale and drained, started speaking. “Ahem, today is a new year; I am… you can call me Instructor Edmund. You see, each weapon has its own, rather fitting element. And they are predestined for your usage. The knife comes to you. Try each one; if you sense a high aura wavering from the one you hold, that means that one is yours. Now scatter, go find your own dagger!” His wrinkles were deep in his skin, and his skin was as pale as the moon. I went to go find my dagger. Pain surged through my body for no reason at all; I suddenly felt a pulling sense towards the room labeled “DARK.” I found my dagger and the pain abruptly stopped. Suddenly, a figure popped up from the corner of my eye. “What troubles you, pupil?” a familiar voice said. It was Instructor Edmund. “Oh nothing, it was just that it took a long time for me to find my dagger.” “I see,” the instructor replied. “Now come and join the others in the practice room.” I walked calmly back to the room. Students were clashing with elemental magic. Ice spikes came hurtling towards me; I was too slow to react; however, a rock shield came just in time. “Thanks,” I said. “No problemo,” the stranger replied, and he dashed back into the battle. I tried to summon my element by focusing on the dagger. Suddenly, a black ink-like substance spewed out of the dagger in every direction. Every turn to look at me, I looked down at myself; darkness was slowly consuming my body. “Help!” I yelped. The instructor was not here. Ice came flying at me; instinctively, I slowed down the shards and reflected them back in the direction of fire. Fire came to burn me, but instead, it turned into a purple fire and disappeared into oblivion. “Help!!” I shouted even louder. Just in time, Coach Edmund came back and stopped the catastrophe. Searing elemental power stung me. I then fell to the ground and everything went black. I woke up in a metal room on a bed. I looked around, and there was a book on the floor, “HOW TO CONTAIN THE DARKNESS ELEMENT.” I was puzzled and started reading. I drifted into the story and read for hours and hours. I soon learned how to use my darkness energy. I looked around and saw a camera. I decided to sleep after reading half of the thick book. I woke up deprived of sleep and hunger. I decided I would use something I learned from the book. I looked at the camera and drifted into a great slumber. I woke up and saw myself lying on the floor. Was I dead? But then I remembered that this was one of the things in the book. I jumped around; each time I jumped, I switched to a different camera. Until I switched to a room where there were staff monitoring the cameras. “Hey, why is the experiment federal down?” “Don’t call him that; he is just Alfred. Plus, we can use him for his powers, as the boss says.” I jumped again and switched to a different room, where other people were locked away. I jumped again. However, this room was different; I saw a child about 8 years old. I paused and looked at him. His room was practically the same as mine—metal enforced—and he was reading a book about “HOW TO CONTAIN THE LIGHT ELEMENT.” He was wearing casual blue jeans with orange and white sport shoes. And he wore a long-sleeve top that had blue and white stripes. I got into his room with an ability fromthe book. I landed with a thump; he looked startled when he saw me. “Don’t fear. I’m here to help you get out,” I whispered. 

“Really? You are not one of the evil scientists,” he mumbled.

“Yes, I promise. My name is Alfred. Can you tell me your story and how you got here?” I asked skeptically. 

He told me a very sad story about how he had been there since he was young, that his family was killed, and that he was being used by scientists, and that this society plans to take over the world. Hearing his miserable story made me feel anger rise up inside me. “I’ll help you, don’t worry. Even if I look like a monster, you need to stay close to me.”

“Okay, by the way, my name is Bradley,” he replied softly. 

I let the darkness consume me; my veins turned black, and I summoned my power to knock a hole through the metal wall, big enough for me to fit in. We crawled out and reached a hallway. Robots came charging at us with their guns. I morphed them into my own. Elemental powers blasted—ice, water, venom, fire, wood, lava, air, and earth. I spawned a dark domain; all of the attacks disappeared. Meteors and explosives were falling from the sky. I became a darkness giant. I sent pulverizing dragons to fight the enemies. 

A giant spear pierced my back, blood trickling down my back. I got the spear out of my back and healed my wound with darkness. I threw the spear back into the chaos. Bradley and I ran for the exit, but it closed shut. I dismantled the large iron doors and threw them back at the enemies. We escaped! And ran into the vast jungle, never to come back. I eventually morphed back into a human, and we found my house. I asked Bradley if he could be my son. He said, “Sure, I’d be happy to.” 

We had dinners, and I learned how to cook better, and things didn’t seem that dull anymore. I was slowly rediscovering my happiness. I was so close to building a new me; most of my worries ended. Until one stormy day. CRACK! Lightning struck, thunder boomed, and hail came down as hard as bullets. It was a foul night when the door blew open, all our windows shattered, and outside stood a sinister shadow. The atmosphere turned pale.

“Well, well, well, long time no see,” a recognizable voice said. Bradley teleported from his bed to next to me. 

“Bradley, stay out of this,” I exclaimed. 

Wind bullets came at us, launching us back against the wall. A tornado started inside the house, rousing us up and throwing me out the window. CRASH! The glass splinter formed a sword and was about to stab me. I raised a dark shield. The glass weapon dispersed. I threw chunks of the ground at the attacker. Inside, I could see Bradley being flung against the wall, on the brink of death. I threw the ground at him. The massive block of ground pinned him to the wall. I fabricated a sword out of nothingness and rushed to stab the man with it. A gust of wind blew me and my sword away. 

I realized at that exact moment that he was Jeffery Highman. Jeffrey’s gust blew him to the roof, and he jumped right onto me. My blood sputtered everywhere. I punched Jeffery aside and beat him until he was unconscious. I dumped him into a trash bag and threw him into the compost bin. I looked back at my house; its walls were wrecked, windows broken, and big holes in the ground. As I called the repairers, that night Bradley and I decided it was time to end this evil. 

The next day, Bradley and I made a final decision: tonight was the time. We traveled back to the place I was tested. We went through the white rooms, through the hall of statues. Once we were in the base, I programmed all the robots not to see us. A group of robots marched through the hallway, all in sync. I wondered if I had glitched the robots well enough. Their heads locked onto us <not a reliable component>. They spoke with their cold voices in unison and moved on with their patrol.

We snuck into the Master’s room by quietly unhinging the locked door. The room was suspiciously empty. I skimmed through the drawers and saw a paper that read "Confidential.” I saw ink handwriting like the one before, but now it felt haunted. “The days are over; my time is up; soon death shall take me. I predicted my death—how the chosen one shall come and slay both me and himself. For a better life for his friends and others. I predicted you would read this. I was the one who told you about Bradley. I predicted he would be your friend. 

These people that reside here, in this hell that is more hellish than hell, are my key to immortality; I will never die of old age or sickness. I'll just pass it to another subject under my control. However, you, Alfred, are different. After knowing how badly I treat the residents here, you would perhaps want to kill me, wouldn’t you? I predicted you would read this. Now, come at me and give me all you've got.”

“Hello,” the master was awake in his suit that fit his slim body. He looked at me with his blue frightening eyes. “Let us bring this somewhere else; we sure wouldn’t want to disturb the others, would we?” his sinister voice spoke. He teleported us to the VR world. 

A giant TV appeared; Bradley was constrained in a room which had millions of rays pointing at him. “You kill me, I release all the people controlled by me,” he spoke coldly, just as chilling as the lights that illuminate this place. 

I didn’t need to wait for it. I lunged at him; my arm turned as black as the night; it stretched out to punch him. He simply disintegrated my arm and shot billions of light arrows at me. I held a shield of darkness and charged at him with an obsidian sword in hand. He simply, with a snap of his finger, disarmed me and sent me flying back with telekinetic powers. Then he summoned a water dragon and a fire dragon that aligned with his fist. He then shot the dragons charging at me. 

I dashed in front of him and served him a sucker punch. This sent him flying back into the abyss. Sharp stalagmite-like crystals shot up from the ground. I nimbly bounced from each sharp edge, and out of the blue, a tree came flying straight at me, pummeling me into the abyss. I created an army of silver guards. The gladiator-looking soldiers charged all at him. He easily killed them by massacring my army. I formed a sword of darkness in my palm. 

He ran to me at the speed of light. A sword that shone so bright was in his hand. We stabbed each other. I felt pain surging through my body, slowly weaving my end. There, however, was no blood, just a hole of light in my body. He fell to the ground dead. 

I looked at the lifeless headmaster lying on the floor. I walked to the remote a few meters away and clicked it. A TV appeared and showed a crowd of people all with smiles and cheers, in the once scary hallway, now filled with life and excitement—looking real and young. Bradley was amongst them. 

Despite the excruciating pain, I felt happiness swelling through me. This is my happiness and last happiness. I sunk to the ground. The hole in my chest grew into a cross, and I burst into millions of gold feathers. White doves fluttered from my death. In my last moment, I thought about how I lived a happy life—oh, just such a great life. I was grateful for my life, and I faded away happily.